What If It Doesn't Exist
Updated: Feb 19, 2020
(Written May 9th, 2019)
I never imagined it would take this long to find our next house. All I knew was that I wanted some freedom and a bigger yard for the children, so I had memories of them running barefooted under trees instead of finding themselves on our small city lot, unable to find a good spot in a game of Hide and Seek. Y'all his has turned into a hot mess of impatient emotion.
We sold our house thinking we had a new one, and once that fell through, we were stranded. Now here we are, around a year after this idea bloomed into a goal, and we are sitting at my in-laws and wishing that something suitable would come on the market so I don't have to keep sleeping in a toddler bed and we can feel "normal" again. Plus, all of our stuff is sitting in storage!
There were several other homes we passed on due to inspections, pricing, or other issues that looking back I think would have been just fine. Ideal, even. One house in particular causes pangs of regret. I should have fought for it but fear got a hold of us. I drive by it sometimes and imagine us having a family dance party in the living room and I'm probably one stalkerish step away from knocking on their front door and saying, "I know you just moved here but can we buy it off ya? Thanks."
There have been unexpected blessings discovered by being here. One clear one is that we've gotten closer as a family which some may argue is impossible because I homeschool and work from home. Buuuuut having less space physically has meant us seeing things about each other that maybe blended into the background before. It has also meant being interrupted 14 times every time I shower by someone arguing or needing to use the bathroom. If I could please just get through rinsing my hair out without some sort of high-pitched screaming, just once, I may find myself rejuvenated for another week of this mess.
The concept of home has become even more important to me. You'd think since I sell homes for a living that this value would already be hefty, and it was, but man - it has gotten even deeper. I miss baking, having my windows open, playing 50's music while I load the dishwasher, and fragrant bubble baths after the kids go to sleep. I miss the comfort of my own bed, of our brightly colored decor, and eating in the dining room while watching neighbors pass outside the windows.
I really feel like I can't hardly wait much longer, yet at the same time I'm trying desperately to hang onto our original vision and not settle too much. I wish I was starting our gardens, getting to know our chickens, and hosting big parties, but instead I feel stuck. Waiting on someone to decide their home isn't for them any more and is instead for us.
I hope they make the decision soon. We're so ready.